How to Know Who You Are (When Everyone’s Telling You Who to Be)

If I let what other people thought about me decide who I was, I wouldn’t even be here!!
No videos. No Deadfriends. No blog.

Nobody warns you that figuring things out -including yourself- takes work.

I don’t mean downloading an app that tells you which color matches your aura, or watching your favorite YouTuber talk about narcissists. I mean actual, intentional time with your own brain.

Because right now? Most of us are outsourcing our personality to the algorithm. Letting outside forces have more of a say than WE do.

We are unique, we each have our own set of experiences that shape us, but it seems more and more of us spend more and more time online. Those experiences are becoming universal. What was once unique has now become.. "HEY did you gett that meme I sent you?".

Some people are getting their personality from a For You page,

I mean..

How could you not?

Social media is basically one big behavioral casino, throwing shiny chips at your dopamine until you can’t tell what you like from what you’ve been trained to like.

Every double-tap, every “oh my god same” moment, every impulsive “add to cart” is part of the trap.

You can make anything look cool if enough people perform it online. Doesn’t matter if it’s drinking celery juice or doing stupid shit in the gym; if the algorithm says it’s in, you’ll start wondering if maybe it's your vibe too.

The problem isn’t liking things. The problem is not knowing why you like them.

The problem isn’t following trends. The problem is following them off of a cliff.

The Scary Part About Being Yourself

Being yourself means being seen. Being seen means being judged.

AND That’s terrifying.

Which is why a lot of people either opt out completely or take the “easy” way out: by trying to be different just for the sake of it.

No deep internal work, no vision, just - swag lol.
But doing things just to oppose the crowd still makes the crowd your compass.

Just autopilot with a little flair

And eventually? You look dumb. Not because you’re wrong, but because it’s obvious you’re performing for someone else instead of living for yourself.

It's often so obvious, like if that's you, I need you to understand that. (we can fucking tell)

Questions That Keep Me Honest

The key to this fact-finding. Learning more about yourself and how you engage with the world. The best way to learn some new info is to simply...

ASK QUESTIONS

I explain in detail here

In undergrad I started interrogating my own thoughts before and after I made choices. Some days it feels like a full-blown cross-examination in my head but it can be as simple as checking in with yourself:

"You think a movie is trash???"

WHY THOUGH??? Script, delivery, pacing, dialogue?? Actual reasons besides women or brown people.

“Do I actually hate this, or have I just never tried it?”

What do you dislike? What would make it more enjoyable?

“Am I saying no because it’s me, or because I want to look cool saying no?”

Are you really doing what YOU want??? and if not, why? What's stopping you?

Turns out, a lot of my “preferences” weren’t even mine. They were borrowed, stolen, or handed down without permission. Some of this is okay of course.. but diving deeper and unlearning them is messy. It’s awkward. But it’s worth it. Even though it takes time.

Note to Self

I've learned that I tend to feel things before I act. I think about consequences before I move. I consider other people when I interact with them. Connection matters to me. I'm passionate about helping people, that brings me a sense of joy and satisfaction.

I wouldn’t know any of that if I didn’t spend actual time with myself.
Not scrolling. Not numbing. Sitting. Thinking. Asking.

I go to the movies alone. That’s my thing. That's my time.
Before, during, after I get to hear myself think without somebody in my EAR commenting on my taste. That’s where I meet me, away from the noise.

And if you’ve never spent intentional time alone, you should. Take yourself somewhere a park, a museum, a cheap diner at 2 AM and just exist. Let your brain breathe. Let your inner monologue wander until you catch it saying something real.

Depth Isn’t Something You Buy

Depth comes from curiosity about yourself, not the recommended tab or suggested items for your cart. It's about why you like the things you like, about why you move the way you move.

It's almost like a scientific process and if we know anything about science, It requires failure.
You have to try things, mess up, realize you hate them, and keep going anyway.

That’s the only way to become a person worth knowing.